This post is for me. This post is about me. This post is embarrassing for me.
But it's a way to document current things and changes that are coming. So please if you feel like you have to leave a comment, be gentle. Don't judge. And this is NOT a "poor me tell me how pretty I am" post.
Sunday I asked Patrick to take a picture of me. I wanted to share with Krissa how my new dress that I got last week looked. I had my hair done, makeup was on, it was fashion show time! So he took the picture. I looked at it and then I spent the next 10 minutes crying.
I've never felt so fat in my entire life.
The dress is cute, the girl in the dress....not so much.
Patrick did what he always does when this happens (and it happens a lot), comforted me, told me I was beautiful, that he loves me and that the only person who would look at that picture and think "she looks so fat" was myself.
But isn't that what matters?? Doesn't what I think/feel about myself matter most??
At the beginning of the year Patrick and I had a New Years Resolution to get healthy & lose weight. And we did! I obsessed over it, ran 4x's a week, did workouts, cut my calories, and I lost about 12lbs in 2 months. I felt healthy, but was still about 25lbs away from my goal weight.
Then I had some issues where my hormones were way out of whack & other stuff and my doctor said "Until we get this figured out stop obsessing over losing weight. Lets figure this out first". So I stopped counting calories.
Then a few months later I went to the doctor for some stomach issues I was having. She thought I had an ulcer so told me to not do anything that I knew would result in me throwing up (i would get nauseous and throw up daily) while we were treating it. Working out aggravated my stomach, so I stopped working out.
Fast forward a few months to today. Since I stopped working out/eating better I not only gained back the weight I lost, but I also gained more weight. About 10lbs more. I weight as much today as I weighed when I was 6 months pregnant with Jaxton. And that just hurts.
But we have resolved to go back to eating better & working out starting today. I'm drinking a lot of water, keeping my calories under 1400/day (thats what I have to keep it at to see results), I have a work out plan (Jillian Michaels and I will be BFF's soon) and I'll change.
I feel like I wasted the head start I had. 25lbs is so much closer to my goal weight then 45lbs. I don't have a time frame for when I want to get to my goal weight, but I want to keep going till I get there.
So PLEASE encourage me. PLEASE support me. PLEASE send me tips, advice, new workouts you hear about, anything to help me. And not just help me with my physical changes but with the mental changes I need to make too. I'm not sure how to change how I feel/think about myself, and I need to.
And this is the part that's embarrassing.....
This morning when I weighed myself I was 207
My goal is 160
I can do it.
3 comments:
I am proud of you!!!
i know this post wasnt easy to write... and yes... really anyone can tell you, everyone can tell you that you are beautiful and that you arent fat... but really... you are right... none of what anyone says will matter unless you believe that yourself...
you will get there... and maybe it wont be the weight loss that triggers that mental change as it is just feeling better when you workout and eat better...
YOU CAN DO THIS!! I know you can... you encourage me to keep going... dont let numbers discourage you... keep pushing forward.. maybe we can go on walks or hikes once it cools down...
proud of you!!!
weight loss is a lifetime journey... i dont think it ever ends...wish it did... but maybe it just gets easier to work with... hopefully...
You got this!! Really- it's all a mental game! Like you said, how you feel matters the most & that includes how you feel about yourself, the food you eat, working out, everything. I started the year off the same as you- & was embaressed that I was "one of those weight loss resolution" women. But, chaning your mindset does take time, & I'm still working on chaning mine in some areas!
I watch The Biggest Looser a LOT- it's inspirational & makes the time on the treadmill pass quicker. I had to break a lot of bad (but really enjoyable!) habits- drinking soda, snacking when I was bored, eating after 8pm, ect. But I've found that I enjoy the good habits I've developed, too, like drinking a TON of water, only eating when I'm hungry (I notice I enjoy my food a lot more when I'm truely hungry & don't need huge portions to feel satisfied). I don't deny myself anything sweet wise(except soda- I can't go back!!), so I'll have an oreo, brownie, or banana split just not everyday.
I have a great DVD workout program called "Slim in 6". It's made by BeachBody (the same company that makes P90X & Insanity). It has 3 different workouts, plus a couple bonus workouts, & you do each work out for 2 weeks then progress up to the next one for a total of 6 weeks. I really enjoy them because they are realistic workouts for my level (I mean seriously, I would drop dead after 20 minutes of P90X or insanity!!) & I can see progress when I do them. You're welcome to borrow them if you like since the stress of nursing school has replaced my need to excercise to loose weight ;).
Like I said at the begining of this novel- It's all in your mind. change the way you think (about food, yourself, working out) and it will change your life! YOU GOT THIS!!
What the two before me said--it's all in the mind! If we knew how to reign in whatever it was in our lives that made us over-eaters, or drinkers, or whatever the case may be for each person, we'd all be happier with ourselves! So one important thing to remember is you are definitely NOT ALONE. It took me a year after having a baby to realize that the person I want to lose weight and look good for is myself. And sometimes that takes awhile longer, for some even a lifetime. I don't think that's the case for you, as much as you may feel you struggle with it. But really, it's only been what, a year-2 years or so? Psh. By the end of this year/beginning of next year you can sweep that under the rug, knowing you owned yourself and now you love how you look. And you'll get there. A lot of people gotta do it, and it's NEVER easy to admit to your close friends--let alone your blog!--how far off track you feel you've gone. But sometimes putting it out there helps you collect your thoughts and get all of that motivation it takes to reach your goals!! I KNOW you can do it. You've overcome a lot in your life, more than a lot of people I know.
Two weeks ago I taught in YW's about recognizing the 'Royal' in ourselves. Just remember who you were before this life, who you're meant to become, and maybe remembering that part of yourself will help you realize what you deserve and, mainly,what you're capable of. . You can do it. You're already on your way. GOOD LUCK!!!
My food tips: if you must munch, have healthy munchies. I'm a muncher, and carb lover, so I find healthy alternatives of that. Allow yourself a liiiittle something that you love sometimes, so you don't over-do it when you want to treat yourself. You'll rock this. Like a hurricane.
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