Letters to the editor. . .

Dear Krissa:
Thank you for buying every single book I want to read & letting me read them before you. I try not to fold the corners so they still seem new when you get around to reading them.


Dear Lady at the grocery store:
Please don't ask me if my child's hair is of Irish or Scottish decent because my first instinct was to say Velocoraptor.

Dear Jimmy:
Your wife called. She said to bring home dinner from Chileros. You should probably give her your number so she stops calling me.


Dear Walmart:
Why don't you sell plain Lemonheads?!? Sometimes people want to buy them you know.


Dear Neti Pot:
Thank you for your existence. I adore you.

Dear Preston:
No matter what anyone tells you, potatoes do not go in with the Tupperware cabinet, and your socks do not belong in the fridge. Also, if you would learn to walk I'd appreciate it.

Dear former manager at UOP:
Thank you for introducing me to Creamy Ranch Burger Hamburger Helper all those years ago. It's still awesome.

Dear Tom Cruise:
You won me back with Knight and Day. Smooth move. Respectively, Cameron Diaz...you still have some work to do. Maybe try making The Holiday 2.

Dear Patrick:
I. love. you.