"What I should be seeing that I'm not seeing..."

Yesterday was my 1st doctors appointment.
Yesterday we found out that our babys heart was no longer beating.


We went into a room for the ultrasound, which was really exciting. I laid there and looked at the screen and saw that there really was a tiny baby inside of me! It had a big head, tiny arms and tiny legs. It looked perfect.
And then Dr. Mikel said "what i should be seeing that im not seeing....is a heartbeat".
He sent me for a 2nd opinion ultrasound this morning that confirmed his findings. That was the last time I'll ever see our baby.
Tomorrow im going in for an outpatient surgery where they will suction everything out of me, and it shouldnt take longer than 10 minutes. 10 minutes and it will be like the past 10 weeks never happened.
Being the good doctor that he is the first thing Dr. Mikel said to me is this is not your fault. You didnt do anything wrong. Sometimes things dont work like they are suppose to.

You just never think these things will happen to you.
Are we ok? No. How could we be? Not yet at least.

The only cure for something like this is to have a baby. So we'll try again.
But its going to take a long time before I stop thinking things like "what would our babys laugh have sounded like?" and things like "what could I have done different?"

Im heartbroken.

I miss our baby.