"Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head"

Yesterday Patrick and I decided that we were going to go on a date. After about 6 minutes with "Mr. Movie phone" I decided I wasn't really feeling like going to a movie, but that going out to dinner sounded nice. So then we decided we were going to go out for a celebration dinner. I'm still not sure what we were celebrating. Being alive? Not having a negative bank account balance? The fact I went 24 hours without taking anything for pain? We didn't really come up with anything solid, but because it was a celebration dinner we went all fancy and went to...

And here is what we learned-

1. We're not old! Everyone else who goes to Red Lobster is old, but not us!

2. We know nothing about fish. We don't know how to cook it, pronounce it, sometimes eat it. Our fish knowledge does not expand much beyond Red Fish Blue Fish 1 Fish 2 Fish.

3. When the wait staff at Red Lobster is "in training", they must shadow another waiter. The end result is something that resembles a lost puppy. I kinda wish we'd had our laser pointer to distract the lost puppy.

4. The following phrase is vital "The sun is shining, but the ice is slippery." Oh man I hope I got that right....

5. Lobster does not taste what lobster should taste like. It tastes dirty. You know, kinda like its a sea creature that has been frolicking in the sand in saltwater claw in claw with its lobster mate.

6. We like trying new things, but like having shrimp to fall back on when the new things fail us.

7. I love Patrick more than anything or anyone. He takes such good care of me.

"What I should be seeing that I'm not seeing..."

Yesterday was my 1st doctors appointment.
Yesterday we found out that our babys heart was no longer beating.


We went into a room for the ultrasound, which was really exciting. I laid there and looked at the screen and saw that there really was a tiny baby inside of me! It had a big head, tiny arms and tiny legs. It looked perfect.
And then Dr. Mikel said "what i should be seeing that im not seeing....is a heartbeat".
He sent me for a 2nd opinion ultrasound this morning that confirmed his findings. That was the last time I'll ever see our baby.
Tomorrow im going in for an outpatient surgery where they will suction everything out of me, and it shouldnt take longer than 10 minutes. 10 minutes and it will be like the past 10 weeks never happened.
Being the good doctor that he is the first thing Dr. Mikel said to me is this is not your fault. You didnt do anything wrong. Sometimes things dont work like they are suppose to.

You just never think these things will happen to you.
Are we ok? No. How could we be? Not yet at least.

The only cure for something like this is to have a baby. So we'll try again.
But its going to take a long time before I stop thinking things like "what would our babys laugh have sounded like?" and things like "what could I have done different?"

Im heartbroken.

I miss our baby.